Marriages
usually start off so nicely. Everyone cooperates-the couple, their
parents, other relatives, friends. Things usually run smoothly.

But
somewhere along the way, marital disputes pop up. This is of course
natural, but these can escalate to dangerous levels if not dealt with
correctly.

Sound
Vision spoke to Shahina Siddiqui of the Islamic Social Services
Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA) about tips for
couples dealing with marital disputes. She pinpointed some problems
and provided tips on how to deal with them. 

1. Money

Couples
argue over many things but money is by far one of the most frequent
and serious. The solution is to discuss issues openly and consult
within the family. 

For
instance, the issue of a wife working outside the home can become a
contentious one. This should preferably be discussed before marriage.
Also, if she does decide to work and the husband agrees, does she want
to contribute a certain portion to household expenses or will she
keep all of the money for herself (which is her right)?

One
of the ways to avoid arguments about money is to simply make an easy
budget which tracks expenses, income, investments, and establishes a
framework for taking care of regular family necessities (see a sample budget for a family.

Also,
learn how to make a budget and deal with debt. If you are a young
student, keep in mind you have to pay off student loans. You should also
know where to get interest-free loans and what assistance is
available (for more information about Islamic money issues, check out Sound Vision’s money page.

2. In-laws

In-laws
are the focus of blame and reproach when there are marital disputes.
But there are ways to maintain a good relationship with them. Here are
some tips:

3. Parenting

The
tug of war that results from differing understandings of parenting
are also a source of tension in marriage. One solution is to start
learning about Islamic parenting before having children. If you
already have kids, you can still learn. Check out Sound Vision’s parenting page. Or contact organizations like ISSA for resources. 

4. Stress

Stress
is an almost constant factor in most people’s lives in North America.
Muslim couples are no exception. Stress from work, for example, is
carried into the home.

Couples
and families need to work out a coping mechanism in the family. For
instance, couples can take a walk to talk about the day or go to the
Masjid for at least one prayer. They can read Quran individually or
together. The methods can vary, but as long as they are Halal and
work, they can be used.

5. Domestic violence

This
is an extremely sad reality and unless it is dealt with promptly by
victims, perpetrators and/or those concerned about the two, then the
family will break. Seeking help is necessary and if domestic violence is
not stopped, the destructive effects will not only be harmful to the
husband and wife, but to their children as well.

Family
members, friends and Imams need to stop the abuse. They must
intervene and work on getting help for the husband and the wife.

6. Spiritual incompatibility

This
is a growing problem in North America, where Muslims from all around
the world live and different understandings of Islam are present.
There is a disturbing lack of tolerance amongst young Muslims,
especially, who may get sucked into cult-like groups which preach a
“we’re right and everyone else is wrong” mentality, whether the issue
is where you put your hands in prayer or whether you decide to wear
Western clothes or traditional Eastern ones.

This
intolerance is being transferred to marriages, where a couple may
differ on minor points of faith. Married couples must understand the
difference between an Islamically acceptable difference of opinion and
one that is not. They must develop a tolerance, balance and respect
for their differences on that basis.

7. Sexual dysfunction

This
is one of the least talked about problems, but it is one that is
wreaking havoc in a number of marriages. Many couples who are marrying
are not learning the Islamic perspective on sex and marriage. As a
result, when they are not satisfied with their spouse, a number of them
may turn to others or seek easy divorce, instead of a solution.

Couples
have to understand that the marital relationship in this area, as in
others, needs work and patience and cannot be the subject of whims and
impatience. Knowledge, practice and if possible, the advice of a
wise, compassionate scholar are two key elements in finding a solution
to this problem.

8. Interfaith marriages

Islam
forbids marriage between Muslim women and non-Muslim men. There are a
number of Muslim women who have taken this step and regretted it
later. Such an action, in most Muslim families, results in the woman
being isolated from her family with no support. As a result, when
marital disputes do arise, parental support, which is there for many
Muslim couples, is not there for these women. These Muslim women may
also experience guilt for disobeying Allah and hurting their parents.

In
other cases, Muslim women ask non-Muslim men they want to marry to
convert shortly before the marriage to appease their parents. Again
this can lead to marital disputes. Two things usually happen. Either
the man becomes a truly practicing Muslim and the couple is no longer
compatible; or he’s bombarded with Muslims from the community wanting
to invite him to Islam and he gets upset and may hate Islam.

In
the case of Muslim men marrying Jewish and Christian women, the
situation is different. While Islam does allow this, Muslim men
marrying Jews and Christians need to remember that living in the West,
if they end up divorcing, the children will almost automatically be
given to the mother. Also, remember that the mother is the child’s
most important school. If you want your kids to grow up as practicing
Muslims, you are better off marrying a practicing Muslim woman,
especially in the West, where the unIslamic cultural influences
outside the home are strong enough. Inside the home, it will become
even harder to maintain Islamic influences if a mother is not a
practicing Muslim herself.

9. Intercultural marriages

While
Islam does not forbid intercultural marriages, they can become a
source of tension when Muslims, primarily the couple, but also their
families, make their culture more important than Islam. If parental
support is there for an intercultural marriage, things are smoother
for the couple. If there is not, and if there is even hostile
opposition on the part of one or both sets of parents, it could be
better to not marry the person in the long run.

10. Lack of domestic skills

While
girls are being encouraged to become scientists, engineers and
doctors, for instance, there is little to no emphasis being placed on
gaining domestic skills. It should be remembered that in Islam, while
women are not forbidden from working within Islamic guidelines, and
men are encouraged to help with housework, women’s primary duty is
within the home as a home manager and mother. As a result of the lack
of domestic skills, many married couples find themselves in messy
homes, where meals lack proper nutrition and in general, there is
frustration.

If
a married couple is working, husbands need to pitch in more in the
home and remember that their wife is a not a machine, but a human
being who also 

needs rest after a hard day of work.

11. The modern Muslim woman meets the old-fashioned Muslim man

While
young Muslim women of the West are being encouraged to be strong and
confident, boys are being raised in the same way and with the same
cultural expectations as their fathers. As a result, young couples face a
tug of war, when the old-fashioned, young Muslim boy won’t lift a
finger around the house (since he never saw his dad do this) and his
young Muslim wife expects him to pitch in, as the Prophet Muhammad
(peace and blessings be upon him) did with his wives.

As
well, a number of young Muslim men expect their wives not to argue
with them since they never saw their mother cross their father. This
is once again cultural. But what is clear is that boys and girls are
being raised very differently. Parents have to be more careful to give
proper training to both children. As well, parents need to intervene
in cases of dispute of this nature and be fair, not favor their own
child.